Boundaries
“Boundaries,” a term I never even heard until I started training to be a psychologist, and now I use it countless times a week. It also seems to be much more commonplace a term and idea nowadays (or I was just previously way out of the loop.) Boundaries and assertiveness are two prevalent topics in my therapy; many of my clients are looking for ways to have healthier relationships and better care of themselves when interacting with others.
Setting boundaries and being assertive can be incredibly scary and challenging. Often we are faced with the fear of rejection or the loss of relationships. Unfortunately, the reality is that not everyone is going to respond well to us asserting our wishes, needs, and feelings in a healthy manner. Deciding to be firm in our boundaries, saying no, or requesting change may even lead to the loss of relationships. On the other hand, standing up for ourselves can feel incredibly empowering and has the capability of maintaining and improving our relationships.
A vital component of setting appropriate boundaries and making requests in relationships is knowing our values. We must understand what matters to us and what kinds of relationships we want in our lives to do all of this effectively. I wrote briefly about this in a post titled “A Quick Look at Your Values” in January. If we aren’t clear about what we need and want, it can be challenging to set distinct boundaries or have our needs met. Once we understand clearly what we need and want, we can express that to the people in our lives, sometimes negotiating, and improve satisfaction in our relationships.
One of the ways I have found myself needing to apply this personally is simply being able to say “no.” Historically, I struggled to say no, I always wanted to be helpful or to be involved. My overeagerness would show up in both my work and personal life. I would say “yes” to most things that were posed to me before really thinking through if it was something I wanted to be involved in or for which I had the energy. When it came to friendships, I never wanted to turn down an invitation to do something, often leading me to feel resentful when the time came to attend the event. When I started to choose to say no more often, I experienced guilt, worry and fear of rejection. I pushed myself to sit with those emotions, allow them to exist, and once I moved through them, I began to realize that first of all, I could survive them, and second of all, my friends were entirely accepting of my boundary.
So far, I’ve spoken about boundaries in terms of relationships and interactions with others. However, we sometimes need to work on the boundaries we set for ourselves. Setting boundaries and expectations for ourselves may mean having a look at our work/life balance, recognizing unhealthy choices we make in our lives that don’t align with our values and prioritizing self-care. We live in a world that often glorifies overworking, constant busy-ness and the perfect social media profile to display. When you begin to set boundaries and expectations for yourself, therefore, living your preferred life, you begin to feel content, energized and fulfilled.
I encourage you to look at your self and your relationships and assess if there are areas that require some boundary setting or improved assertiveness. Push yourself to reflect on your values, needs and wants and find ways to express yourself or set expectations and limits. When you do this, pay attention to the emotions that set in. There may be some undesirable, uncomfortable feelings at first, but I am willing to bet that you are left with a sense of confidence and pride.
If you’re looking for some resources and further reading, here are a few things I would recommend:
The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Randy J. Paterson.
I came across this workbook while in my Master’s program and continue to use it in my therapy practice today. I like the combination of education about assertiveness and understanding your communication style with the actual activities that are included.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills.
This is a very general recommendation, but if you google these terms, you will come across some great information and skills. Specifically, I suggest you read about the three skills: DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST. These are skills that help you to communicate more effectively with the different goals of having your objective met, maintaining relationships and maintaining your self-respect.
Saying No Is a Form of Self-Care: https://theeverygirl.com/saying-no-is-a-form-of-self-care/
June 17, 2020