Balanced Reflection
Let's face it; we've all been talking about how terrible 2020 has been. As I reflected on that recently, after reading a friend's Instagram post (expressing guilt) noting that it was an excellent year for her, I tried to shift myself to a more balanced perspective. It didn't seem fair that someone should be feeling guilty for having had a positive year, and I'm confident that while it has been a challenging year, there have been highlights and silver linings.
The year started like most others. We spent our New Years' Eve with just the two of us, Indian food for dinner, some wine, reminiscing through photos of 2019 and forcing ourselves to stay up until Midnight because I guess that's what you do. January brought us to focus on our goals for the year, I started my blog(ish) and a first reading challenge, and we prepared for a busy year with a lot of travel plans.
February was right around the time we started hearing more and more about COVID-19. My husband and I had a staycation planned for ourselves, a week off to hang out and spend time around the city. We had a fabulous time, really enjoyed each other's company, relaxing and checking out places/events we'd never been to in our own city.
March is when things started to take a turn; restrictions came into effect, I stopped seeing clients in person, and we had to start cancelling plans. Looking back over my writing and items in my agenda, I still carried some hope; "clothes & excursions for Costa Rica" were still on my to-do list in early March. Ultimately, we cancelled all travel plans and visits; Costa Rica to stand in my best friend's wedding, a trip to Newfoundland to meet our first Nephew, my parents visiting here in Calgary, and a trip to San Francisco with our friends. These changes were devastating to me. Through those months of spring, though, I worked hard to stay routined and maintain essential habits. My husband and I purchased some weights, I focused more on the exercise bike and joined some virtual classes to continue with exercise while the gyms were closed. I look back on a journal entry where I wrote, "we will definitely have a few weeks of this," and laugh. Ah, how hopeful and naive those beginning days were.
I am so thankful that I have a partner that made those months bearable. We enjoyed spending time together and focused on making the most of being at home more. We tried new recipes, connected virtually with friends and were able to be supportive through the anxieties and frustrations. I also have to acknowledge that I am fortunate to have maintained employment throughout this year, being offered the opportunity to work from home and have limited in-person contact. The restrictions prompted more consistent phone calls and video dates with friends and family near and far, something I hope to continue.
As we moved into late spring and summer, restrictions began to lift, and so did my hopefulness about the nearing end of the worst of the pandemic. The warmer weather helped; I spent a lot more time outside walking my dog, reading and riding my bike. We were able to plan a few small, secluded getaways. Twice to a tiny home in British Columbia and also a cabin on the lake with another couple. While the trips were different from typical, we were masked, didn't go to any restaurants (cooked almost all of our meals) and stayed close to our accommodations rather than exploring; it was great to get away.
Moving into the fall, things began to regress again in terms of progress with COVID-19. Our numbers began to increase again, spiking after Canadian Thanksgiving (early October.) My husband and I pulled back from our already limited outings and prepared for the second wave. I felt quite discouraged at this stage, I had begun to feel hopeful about life returning to some semblance of normal, and I was disappointed at the prospect of what this all meant. Yet, in the final weeks of this year, there were some things to be thankful for. I was thrilled when the Peloton we ordered in late-September arrived, it has given a new breath of life to my exercise routine, and I am so excited to continue to strengthen my stamina and strength on the bike. While Christmas was a very different affair this year, it was actually lovely to have a quiet, secluded celebration at home with just my husband and his Mom (who was allowed to join us as she lives alone.)
So to summarize. It was a year that brought anxiety and uncertainty, cancelled highly anticipated plans and travel, kept me from meeting my first Nephew, cancelled holiday traditions and kept us generally isolated. It also brought forward opportunities to connect in ways we usually wouldn't, leading to more time spent with those who are far away from me. It forced creativity and flexibility in how I spent my time, stayed well and how I do my job. While my heart continues to break a little when I reflect on some of the past year's difficulties, I am beyond thankful that the people I cherish in my life are healthy, and we can begin to plan our visits together in the future. So, I write this to bid farewell to what has been a difficult year while acknowledging that I hold gratitude for my health and the well-being of those I love and remind myself of the things I learned in these trying times. I hope that you too can offer yourself the opportunity to grieve and feel angry, but that you also have had moments that you feel happiness and gratitude for. There is no right or wrong here; however you remember this year, that's your reality, your emotions are your emotions any, and all responses are valid.
If you read through this monster entry, thank you. I recognize that it was long-winded; however, it was quite cathartic to me. It brought forward a mixture of emotions, a reminder of the grief I have felt but also some peace with this year, and for that, I am grateful.
December 29, 2020